On Secondary Traumas: beware of them

Life becomes too hard to endure sometimes. We not only suffer, but also see our loved ones suffering. And it hurts; it hurts so much. We know, that our loved ones are hurt too, much more than we are, and this slowly kills us inside.

At those moments, we take responsibilities we can’t take. We assign ourselves missions, trying to pull out the people we love from the pit of despair they are in. With utmost sincerity, we try to help people we care about.

But we unfortunately miss a point: our own wellbeing. We lose the track of borders. While trying to be empathic, understand what they are going through and be there for them, we become sympathetic. We mirror the emotions our loved ones are going through; we feel their sadness, their regret, their despair.

This case, known as secondary traumatic stress, mimics the symptoms of the first hand trauma victim. And even though we don’t take it seriously, it may result in consequences much more severe than we think. Sometimes, we come to the point where we drown in our problems, so that we can’t even take care of the people we love anymore.

I know. It’s so great that we are trying to help; It’s so nice that we are touching others’ lives. But if we want to help someone, we have to help ourselves first. If we want to be there for someone, we have to be there for ourselves first. We should never forget: we are living for ourselves, not for anyone else.

 

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Passion

Love people who are passionate about something, people who lose track of time while researching things that they are so curious about. Love people open to learn, people hungry for knowledge.

Love people who dream big, people who go after their goals. Love people who turn their thoughts in to actions.

Love people willing to love, people who bring happiness to the atmosphere. Love people eager to explore and not afraid to try.

Love people who still believe that this world can become a better place, people try to change something. Love people who create an impact, people who can touch to others’ lives.

Love people whose willingness to live shimmers through their eyes.

Being a Woman

We all hear now and then about how women are discriminated, how they are viewed as second class citizens all around the globe. We are all aware of the fact that there is a reality about sexism. That women are abused, that women don’t earn the wage they deserve, and that they get hurt.

Some of us care about it; want to change something and act accordingly. Others, ignore the issue, and act as if it doesn’t exist – just because it’s not happening to them or the people they know.

But last day, I heard something. Something so terrible that I don’t believe any human being can ignore the severity of the issue…

“Are Women Considered As Human Beings?” Yes, unfortunately you read it correct. This name was given to a conference in Saudi Arabia, just a year ago. Hundreds of people came together, and debated on this agenda item. And guess what they had as a conclusion to the question. At the end of the conference in Riyad, they have decided that women are mammals, yet not “human”.

It is even hard to process the information, isn’t it? Even though I still have a hard time to accept that this conference was real, I only have one thing to say. Please question the humanity of your manhood, before even attempting to debate on whether women are human or not. 

 

Be With People Who…

Be with people whom you can call at 2 a.m just because you have something interesting to share with them, people who know how lucky they are to have you in their life.

Be with people who will be there for you not only through your good days, but also your bad times, people who are candid.

Be with people who buy you food, people who get mad when you don’t eat well. People who look after you when you are ill, people who don’t say how much they care about you, but show this with their actions.

Be with people whom you can be your casual self next to them, people who accept you as who you are.

Be with people who cries when you cry, as well as who laughs when you lough, not people who laugh to your face and talk behind your back.

Be with people who try to entertain you, who make you happy.  People who deserve the value you give them…

Candid

A Piece of Comfort

None of our lives are rainbows and butterflies. All of us, with out an exception, are going through rough days, ambling towards emptiness. And that’s absolutely okay.

The important thing isn’t not to fall down; in fact, it is being able to stand up and keep moving at the end of the day. And that’s not easy either. Sometimes we all feel so desperate that we feel the need to give up; we can’t find the power to keep going. At those moments, we need some signs from the universe saying that we are not alone, that everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, the universe isn’t always that generous to us. So we better create our own signs, by ourselves. They don’t have to be life changing news. If something can create a little smile on your face, believe me that is a miracle. And again believe me, you’ve succeeded.

For me,

  • a cup of tea means the sincerity of my mother; it means comfort
  • a book means intellectuality; it means the power of knowledge
  • a blanket means the warmth of my home; it means safety
  • a good old song means good old memories; it means motivation and hope
  • a teddy bear means my childhood; it means pure happiness and innocence

What about yours? It doesn’t matter what you choose as your sign from the universe, or  your motivating object – what ever you call it. Make sure that you can find a piece of comfort in them; that’s all you should look for.

 

 

Partners in Crime

All human beings are distinct individuals, responsible from their own selves. However, no matter how different we are from each other, in order to live a full life, we all have to cooperate with others. We have to come together and live as a part of a society according to our common interests.

From managing a firm to leading a group, from dancing in harmony to taking care of a child, we need our partners in crime, in every aspect of our lives.

This neither means that we are weak, nor incapable of doing what we want to. But in order to enjoy our lifespan, be successful and most importantly happy, it is certain that we have to share our lives with our significant others at some point. Whether they are our business partners, classmates or loved ones, we truly need them.

In fact, choosing a partner, trusting them to walk on a path together, is very hard. So from now on try to be cooperative; don’t push people away. Be careful; but don’t be afraid to trust. And if by chance, you have already found your partner in crime, don’t let them go. Believe me, you are one of the luck ones.

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Symphony of Thoughts

I have always believed that, if you are speaking big, you have to endure its consequences. If you say “The beauty of the world lies in the diversity of the people.” then you should act in accordance to your statement. Not only in political debates, or in front of people that you want to impress; you have to believe it from your heart and apply it to every corner of your life.

If you appreciate, or at least respect, difference you really have to internalise it. You can’t be an anti-racist and then discriminate women. You can’t identify yourself as a feminist and then abuse others because of their culture. You can’t say that you respect to all kinds of belief, and then humiliate the LGBTQ community.

It may sound extreme, but yes, if you say that you find diversity beautiful, you have respect all kinds of different opinions, even the ones that contradict with yours. Don’t forget; if you insist to imply your thoughts to matter what, you are no different than a dictator. No different than Hitler, no different than Mussolini…

So from now on, before labelling yourself as a human rights activist, respecting to all kinds of difference among the human kind, you better take the responsibility of the words you speak. And instead of fighting with every different ideology you hear, try to enjoy the symphony of thoughts that floats around the globe.

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Finding Your Path

Even though I don’t have a certain answer to the question “What is your purpose in life?”, I’m sure that everybody has one. And again I don’t know where I’m going towards, but I’m sure that the path I’m following is guiding me to achieve my purpose.

Don’t let others  scare you. Don’t let these sayings overwhelm you. Of course are days when I feel lost, and believe me, they are the majority of my days. Of course there are times when I am off track. But in reality, who doesn’t?

It is the rule of the mother nature. It rains, it snows; It’s hot, it’s cold. But days pass, seasons change, the sun rises and that foggy road leaves its way to the straight path, leading to your bright future.

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Society’s View of Psychology: Why Mental Illnesses Aren’t Taken Seriously?

Just because you can’t see someone has a mental illness, does it mean that these problems are not real? Why Mental Illnesses Aren’t Taken Seriously?

The explanation of the question probably lies beneath a psychological concept. One of the most used mental defense mechanisms, “denial” is generally used for similar situations.

It is hard to take responsibility. It is harder to bear its consequences. Accepting you made a mistake, saying you are sorry, and trying to change is virtuous. But unfortunately as Immanual Kant stated in his piece “What is enlightenment?” our society is not “mature” enough to do what is virtuous. We are not enlightened yet.

As always we choose the easy way. Instead of healing the wound, we act as if there is no harm. Hiding under the comfort of ignorance, people run away from their realities instead of confronting them.

For these kind of people, there is no depression. If there is, it is not very important. The person who is depressed loves the state of melancholy. He or she is pathetic and weak. He or she only tries to get attention to survive.

For them, seeing a psychiatrist (“shrink”) is something to be ashamed of. And again for them people who get mental help are either mad or retarded.

But these people who ignore  mental illnesses are well aware of their existences; they just refuse to know it because they know the fact that they are the main reason for the majority of psychological problems. The situation is just too much for them to handle, so they just refuses to experience it.

But no matter what, everyone will have to face these realities willy-nilly; because, you can’t cover a wound before you heal it. So it is to learn from our mistakes, and start the change from ourselves.

 

Defining Ourselves

We live in this world to make an impact. We  want to leave a mark behind us. To be well-known and always remembered… In short, we want to define ourselves. But more importantly  we want to be known by others, in the way that we define who we are.

Unfortunately there are some moments in life, where we are desperate. No matter what we do, how hard we try, our capabilities aren’t enough at some point. We are not able to introduce ourselves as we want to; we can’t prevent the society from labelling us.

Based on a single action you take or a decision you make people judge you. They observe you till you make a mistake, and determine who you are based on that specific second. And, oh. They don’t stop there. They label you with that nametag and they catch every opportunity to hurt you, to insult you.

When people who don’t mean anything to you does this, it’s okay. But when someone you love, you care about does this to you, it’s over. Not because you will be known by others in way that is not same as who you define your self as. Instead, because they didn’t know you well enough. Because you couldn’t show them who you are, and how much they mean to you. It hurts. So much.

No matter where you live, who you are, what you do, you will go through this. There is no specific formula to be able to cope with it. There are only two rules. They are cliche, but they mean a lot. 1: Never change for another person. Don’t let anyone ever say who you are. If someone will be in your life, they should be there because they love the way you are. And 2: Don’t value people who are not worthy of being valued. The more you pay effort, the more arrogant they become. Believe me, they don’t deserve it.

Don’t let others define who you are. Instead, let you life speak for you.