On Secondary Traumas: beware of them

Life becomes too hard to endure sometimes. We not only suffer, but also see our loved ones suffering. And it hurts; it hurts so much. We know, that our loved ones are hurt too, much more than we are, and this slowly kills us inside.

At those moments, we take responsibilities we can’t take. We assign ourselves missions, trying to pull out the people we love from the pit of despair they are in. With utmost sincerity, we try to help people we care about.

But we unfortunately miss a point: our own wellbeing. We lose the track of borders. While trying to be empathic, understand what they are going through and be there for them, we become sympathetic. We mirror the emotions our loved ones are going through; we feel their sadness, their regret, their despair.

This case, known as secondary traumatic stress, mimics the symptoms of the first hand trauma victim. And even though we don’t take it seriously, it may result in consequences much more severe than we think. Sometimes, we come to the point where we drown in our problems, so that we can’t even take care of the people we love anymore.

I know. It’s so great that we are trying to help; It’s so nice that we are touching others’ lives. But if we want to help someone, we have to help ourselves first. If we want to be there for someone, we have to be there for ourselves first. We should never forget: we are living for ourselves, not for anyone else.

 

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On Dependency

Dependency is not only used as a word to describe the situation of a “clingy” partner. A believer is dependent to god, a fanatic is dependent to his team, a patriotic citizen is dependent to his country, a mother is dependent to her son. But why human beings feel the need to be dependent on someone so desperately?

Not so suprisingly, it all starts because of the “insecurities” people get from their childhood. People who are not treated as individuals, but instead as children not capable of taking their own decisions, turn into “dependent” adults.

If today we have religious extremists, radical fanatics, or obsessed lovers in our society, we owe these characters to again ourselves, the society itself. And again, drug addiction or shopacholicness is no different than those I have listed above.

Think it this way. Taking actions of your own, and following your ideals no matter what is hard, extremely hard. It is already safer to act as a member of the group, without breaking the rules or trying something new. But you are turning that extremely hard accomlishment to an impossible one with your actions.

If you raise a children by saying “Don’t do that!”, “Go with the flow of the group.”, “No one will listen to you if you are alone.” they will grow up listening to their parents, doing what you say. Don’t forget, they started this world with a blank page. You were the one to filled in the blanks and guided them.

So look back at your self at the mirror before accusing the generations that you have raised years ago. Choose your words carefully; plan your actions strategically. It is easy to say you are “weak” or “dependent” from your seat. We want to see if you can become “independent” yourself? We’ll listen to you then, okay?

On Suicide: Does someone need to kill his/herself to express that he/she needs help?

From Amanda Todd to Hannah Baker, didn’t they all try to let us know what they have been going through? Didn’t they want help from us?

Then why didn’t we try to understand them? Tell me, did they really need to die, for the society to understand that they need help?

I know, you think that I’m exaggerating right now. But think carefully. Isn’t the story always written this way. You never understand the value of something until you lose it forever, right?

But there is a point that we all miss. This isn’t a story. We aren’t loosing a childhood toy or a lover. We are talking about lives. We are losing innocent, young and vulnerable human lives every single day.

Yes it is sad. Yes it is hard. But this is the harsh reality that we all try to escape from but never get rid of. If a tree is cut down at Amazon, it is the fault of all humanity. And again, if a innocent teen is passing away right now, no matter where on the world, it is all of us’ fault.

Don’t forget; these people think they want to die but infact they only want to be saved. So next time a friend tells you that they don’t feel good, listen to them. Okay? Next time you see a girl crying on the street, take your time to go talk with them. Next time you notice a friend hasn’t been feeling well since last week, go ask what has happened. Be there for them. Make them feel that you are ready support them, regardless of what has happened. Never judge. Because nowadays, we need good listeners much more than condescending strangers.