Divergent

As a person closely interested in psychology, I am aware of the fact that it is totally normal for me to go thought internal conflicts, especially regarding Freud’s Psychosexual Development Theory. The  theory says, through the genital stage, which is the final step of the psychosexual development, the teen goes into a series of internal conflicts regarding work, family, love and sexual desires. With the pressure of the society, instincts of survival, sexuality and violence as well as the constant opposition of the ego and the superego, the individual lives a though process of identity crises, trying to figure out who he is and what he wants from the world.

However, I don’t feel like I am going through a process of internal conflicts; I feel like I have two distinct personalities opposing inside me.

The first side of me is savage. Wants to succeed in business and politics – is even capable of becoming the president of a country. Takes Machiavelli as a source of inspiration. Wants a career in a business environment, where she will become the CEO or the CFO one day. Wants to master the art of rhetoric, and loves attention more than any thing. Thinks methodologically, acts strategically. Wants to earn great amounts of money, willing to see everyone take her as an idol. Most importantly, this side is ambitious. It is capable of doing everything in order to succeed and get what she wants one day.

The other side is peaceful. Wants a degree in psychology, maybe even philosophy one day. Takes her favourite author as a source of inspiration. Loves reading, writing, cooking and singing. Adores children and pets, loves spending time with her family. Wants to improve her self and widen her perspective on life. She believes that an individual must be self-satisfied, with out the need of anyone else to adore her. Puts her family and love life before work. Is disgusted by the corrupt and evil atmosphere of the work life. Most importantly she is full of love and vision. Believes that one day this world can change with people like her.

Can these personalities live in me in harmony at the same time? Will I ever be able to find the balance between them like yin and yang? Are these things I’m going through normal, or am I divergent? As you can imagine, there is an ongoing storms of questions through my mind.

Freud has stated that, the process becomes very difficult for the individual and his surrounding for that time being, but at the end it transforms the immature children to an independent individual, enabling him to be capable of love and work efficiently through his life. However, I am not sure if I will ever be able to complete this steps and evolve to the person who I am supposed to be. Who knows? Maybe I was supposed to be divergent in the first place.

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